More julle,

Dis lekker koud hier in JHB vandag. Regte winter weer. Of sal ek sê kaapse weer, nat en koud. Meisiekind terug skool toe vandag, en ek moet rehabiliteer. Ek is mal daaroor as sy by die huis is. Sy hou my besig...hehehe.

Ek het letterlik 100de e-mail goedies. Ek post paar oulike storietjies vandag vir die lagspiertjies. Hoop julle geniet dit.

Oupa en Ouma

Eendag sit Oupa op die stoep toe Ouma van die kombuis af skree: "Oupa, daar is fout met die kleinhuisie!" (In daardie tyd was dit mos die buitetoilet of longdrop.)

Oupa sê: "Daar is niks fout met die kleinhuisie nie."

Maar Ouma sê: "Daar is. Gaan kyk."

Nou, in daardie tyd was die man veral baie bang vir sy vrou gewees, so oupa staan maar op en brom-brom al na die kleinhuisie toe.

Hy kom daar aan en sê: "Ouma, daar is niks fout met die kleinhuisie nie."

Ouma sê: "Daar is. Gaan in," en Oupa gaan toe maar in.

Toe hy binne is kyk hy rond, maar sien niks verkeerd nie en sê: "Ouma, ek is in die kleinhuisie. Daar is niks verkeerd nie."

Ouma sê: "Daar is. Steek jou kop in die gat in."

Oupa sê: "Ouma, ek gaan nie my kop in die gat insteek nie."

Dis daardie tyd wat Ouma haar stem redelik dik maak en sê: "Oupa, steek nou jou kop in die gat in" en arme Oupa doen dit nou maar so. Nou is Oupa se kop redelik in die longdrop in om te kyk wat fout is.

Oupa skree toe: "Ouma, daar is niks fout met die kleinhuisie nie!"

Ouma sê: "Trek jou kop uit" en oupa trek toe sy kop uit, maar toe haak sy baard in die gleuwe van die gekraakte houtplanke vas en hy gil
verskrik: "Ouma, kom help! My baard sit vas!" waarop Ouma antwoord:

"Dis lekker seer, né!!!"

No Sex Tonight ……..

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have

never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into

bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel

like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me

to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look

by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in

the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with

her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on

several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to

take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to

compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We

went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond

earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was

one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because

she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play

tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel

like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're

just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy

your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she

was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and

not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

The Bowl of Water
>
> Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
> been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
> One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
> her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
> prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
> minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was
> filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
>
> When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
> tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
> floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
> resist.
>
> "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
> pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I
> was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
> package on the ground.
>
> The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
> would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu
> all winter."

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don 't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

A guy breaks down in his Datsan bakkie out in Boksburg. A Subaru pulls up
next to him :'Ek sê, come I'll sommer tow you with my Subaru, but if I
drive too fast, flash your lights and hoot so that I can slow down!'

Off they go... Pull up to a robot, Ferrari pulls up next to the Subaru,
tunes ' Wanna dice ek sê?' Revving engines, robot goes green, and they haul
it down the road.

Dude standing on the side of the road sees them tearing past, neck in neck.
Phones his tjommie 'Ai boet, I've got a story to tell you, I just saw a
Subaru and Ferrari dicing, neck in neck ek sê, like 300km/h'

Tjommie - 'Pretty hip ey?'


Dude says to him ' That aint the story, there's a Datsun bakkie right
behind them, flashing and hooting, he wants to fo**en overtake china!!!!!'

"Cellulite is not an imperfection, those dimples are saying "im sexy" in braille ..... "

TEACHER: Why are you late? BONGANI: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor? BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Bongani, how do you spell "crocodile"? BONGANI: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong BONGANI: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? BONGANI: "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America . BONGANI: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ? CLASS: BONGANI! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Now, Bongani, tell me do you say prayers, before eating? BONGANI: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as Your brother's. Did you copy his? BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking, when people Are no longer interested? BONGANI: A teacher

How Adam got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What 's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn 't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you 've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history..............

Hoop julle het dit geniet.....sal weer anderdag van die goedies opsit.

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